


Expiation

by LovelyLittleGrim



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Aplogies, Atonement - Freeform, Character Growth, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Heart to Hearts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow burn to feelings, Theo falls in love for the first time, Theo finally learns how to live., Theo fixes everything, Theo has a chimera sickness., Theo makes a bucket list of people, interspersed with fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 09:05:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13760793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLittleGrim/pseuds/LovelyLittleGrim
Summary: Theo thought he had more time to make up for his wrongdoings, but he doesn't. So, he makes a list.~~Indefinite Hiatus ~~





	Expiation

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. This story is not going to be complete angst but it will still be very heavy most of the time. 
> 
> Warnings:  
> This will have many symptoms and aspects similar to cancer so if that is a trigger for you I strongly suggest not reading this fic.

_Expiation:_

_the act of making amends or reparation for guilt or wrongdoing; atonement._

 

 

“I’m terribly sorry, Theo,” Dr. Deaton says, voice surprisingly somber.

“How long,” Theo whispers, fingers digging into his thighs to stop them from trembling.

“It’s hard to give an exact time frame,” Dr. Deaton admits as he lays his stethoscope down around his neck. “But, my best estimate is eight, maybe nine months at most before your body gives up completely."

He pauses briefly as though he's giving Theo time to absorb the information before he continues speaking: "During that time though you will see a significant depletion of strength and body mass. There are also a number of concerning symptoms that you may begin to experience--"

There’s a rushing noise in Theo’s ears, too loud for him to hear as Deaton explains what Theo's body is going to go through, the toll his sickness is going to have on him both physically and mentally. His hearts pounding much too fast within the confines of his ribs as the reality finally settles over him. _He’s dying_. In a matter of months, Theo Raeken will cease to exist. Instead, he’ll be back beneath the ground reliving an endless cycle of Tara ripping his heart from him. Theo feels like he can’t breathe, a weight pressing heavily down onto the center of his chest and crushing him.

“Theo,” A warm hand settles on his shoulder. “Should I call someone?”

Theo laughs, it’s dark and a touch hysterical. _Should he call someone_? What kind of question is that? Does he not remember who Theo is? What Theo has done and to whom?

Who would possibly come running to comfort him?

No one.

He feels cold like his bones are all made out of ice. He’s scared to move, worried that he might actually just shatter into pieces across the floor of the animal hospital. He had thought karma had, had her fill with him, but apparently, Theo was wrong. She wasn’t done with him yet, wouldn’t be until Theo was back where he belonged, six feet deep and being tortured in hell.  

Dr. Deaton doesn’t say anything else, he just lets Theo laugh and laugh until it can no longer be considered laughter anymore until Theo’s body is shaking with the force of his sobs. He doesn’t remove his hand from Theo’s shoulder and Theo is ridiculously grateful that emissaries can’t choose sides when it comes to the supernatural because that single point of contact is the most cared for he’s felt in years.

_Theo doesn’t want to die._

\---

 

There was denial first, because how could he possibly die? He was too resilient, too strong, he had endured too much to be wiped out by something like this. He told Deaton that he was wrong. It was just exhaustion; a lack of proper sleep and food that had made him pass out the first time, and then again just days later.

_He wasn't dying._

The denial didn't last long before turning into raw anger. That emotion had him tearing through the animal hospital like a tornado, destroying everything in his path before stomping out like a petulant child and leaving Deaton to clean up the mess he had left behind. Theo's anger lasted him days, turning into seething hatred for the dread doctors and the experiments they had performed on his body, the poisons they had injected into his veins. His anger festered and grew and raged on and on until he realized that it was getting him nowhere, that it wasn't going to save him if Deaton was right.

Bargaining is what finally sent him back to Deaton's after a week of avoiding the animal hospital. He begged the man for help, for a way to fix this, a way to fix him. So, Deaton took samples of his skin and his blood and just about everything else. The man ran every test he could think of, looked in every book and called in favors, but there was nothing to show for it. No immediate cure, no remedy or solution. There was nothing, but more questions.

"I'm not going to stop looking, Theo," Dr. Deaton had said and Theo could hear the 'but' before he ever said the word. "But, you should make peace with the fact that there might not be a cure for this, what the dread doctors did to you isn't something that anyone has ever come across before. The science and medicine they used were highly advanced and unlike anything, anyone else has ever seen."

Theo knows that. He does. He was a lab rat for those monsters for years, and though he learned a lot beneath their tutelage, he has no idea how to save himself, no idea of anyone who possibly could. 

He doesn’t like to think that he’s just accepted his fate without a fight, but that's what it feels like. 

 _Acceptance is the last stage of grief,_ he tells himself, like a mantra to get him through the day. Theo knows he’s going to die, he can’t do anything about that.

What he can do is make sure that he doesn’t have any regrets, and right now he has them in abundance. He’s sure that if evil deeds and regrets were money he’d be the richest man alive. He thought that he would have more time to make up for his mistakes, more time to set all of his wrongs right, but he doesn’t. So, Theo makes a list and with every number he adds to the paper he feels sick. He writes for an entire day, hand cramping, papers piling up beside him. There’s just so many things he’s sorry for, he doesn’t think he has time to repent for it all, but he’s going to try.

He has to.

\---

The house looks the same as it had when he was little; the same red roses growing along the bricks, the same chipping paint flecking off the porch. He’d been here a few times since coming back to Beacon Hills, but nostalgia hadn’t pulled at his heart then, the way it does now. It’s Theo’s first time being at the McCall residence since returning from hell.

The folded-up piece of paper feels like its burning a hole in his back pocket, heavy with regrets and mistakes, filled with all the peoples he’s hurt. Theo’s done a lot of bad things in his life, a lot of things that can never be forgiven or forgotten _. He knows that_. He does, really, it’s just, he doesn’t know what else to do at this point. There’s guilt eating away at what’s left of his heart; it’s strange and foreign. An emotion he hadn’t ever felt before going to hell. He doesn’t know how to cope with it or how to process it. Not until now anyway.

There’s a coil of dread wrapped around his body, a nervous tension in his shoulders. His jaw aches from how tightly he’s been clenching it for the last twenty minutes. The steering wheel creaks beneath the pressure of his grip as he sits parked in front of the house. It’s late, or early, depending on how you look at it.

“What am I doing,” He mutters to himself, head thumping back against the seat, eyes closing.

He knows what he should be doing, but he’s… Scared.

Just the thought of seeing Melissa and looking into her eyes after what he had done to her son makes the air in his lungs feel like acid. He hasn’t seen her since the end of the battle with Monroe and even then, he hadn’t looked at her, as soon as the fight was over, and the hunters were confirmed to have lost, Theo had run away. He’d found his truck and dug the bullets from his shoulder and then passed out with a sea of emotions swirling in his gut. He hasn’t seen any members of Scott's pack since that night, not even any extended members. Now though, he was going to slowly make his way through seeing them all.

A tapping on his window startles him. He jerks his head upright and turns to see Melissa McCall sounding outside his truck staring at him. She’s dressed in lavender scrubs, hair piled into a messy bun, her bag clutched tightly in her hand. Theo swallows nervously beneath her dark gaze, she’s surprisingly intimidating for a human and rolls the window down.

“Theo,” She says voice surprisingly calm despite the tense way she’s holding her body. “What are you doing loitering outside my house at five in the morning?”

“I…”

“You,” She prompts, voice going sharp and brows raising.

He can’t look her in the eye, so he doesn’t. He drops his gaze down to where she’s gripping tight to her bag and Theo just knows that the cattle prod is hidden away inside it, ready for her to use if he so much as breathes wrong.

“I wanted to apologize…” He says quietly, his hand slipping from the steering wheel. His claws dig deep into the meat of his thigh, it grounds him. He can feel the phantom warmth of Scott’s blood on his fingers tips. It makes him sick.

“What?”

“I wanted to apologize,” He says again, voice a little louder so that she can hear it over the purr of his truck's engine. “To you, for what I did, and what I put you through.”

“You’re at my house at five in the morning to apologize,” She says voice sounding dubious.

“Yes,” Theo nods and forces himself to look back up into her eyes.

She crosses her arms over her chest and cocks a hip to the side. Theo can’t help but think about how much Scott looks like her. He had always thought that Scott would look and act more like his father, but no. Melissa McCall is where Scott gets not only his looks but also his bravery.

“Well, then,” She says staring him down. “Let’s hear it.”

He sucks in a shaky breath, digs his nails even deeper into his thigh. The scent of blood coats the cab of his truck and he has to fight back a gag as he feels the dark liquid seep into and stain the leg of his jeans.

“I’m—I’m sorry,” He says and his voice cracks on the words. He cringes at the broken sound. This is harder than anything he’s ever done before. It’s also, more meaningful than any other moment in his life.

He clears his throat and presses on, determined. “I’m so, so sorry, Ms. McCall. For…For killing Scott and putting you through the hell of seeing him dead, for making you have to resuscitate him. I—I’m so fucking sorry.”

Words keep spilling from his mouth, apologies, and gratitudes for everything she had done for him when he had been a child. He thanks her for having always helped him through his asthma attacks and bandaging his wounds. He thinks her for all the time she had let him and his sister sleepover, even on school nights, when his parents were arguing. He just keeps thanking her, because there’s so much she’s done for him and he had thrown all of it back into her face like it hadn’t meant the world to him when he was a runt of a child.

 He’s distantly aware of something falling to the ground seconds before his door is jerked open and he’s enveloped in a warm embrace. The familiar scent of the woman’s perfume clouds his sense of smell, but he can still make out the salty odor of tears that aren’t just his. She’s hugging him, and Theo doesn’t deserve it.

There’s a small hand running up and down his back, a soft voice murmuring in his ear. He doesn’t know what she’s saying, he can’t hear anything over the pounding of his blood. Hesitantly, Theo wraps his arms around her tiny waist and holds on for dear life, they stay that way for a long time until Theo gets a hold of himself. His pride making him tense up in her grasp.

She has a pink nose and watery eyes when she pulls away. “Are you hungry?” She sniffles, voice thick from crying as she fiddles with her cellphone.

He blinks at her blurrily as she stands in the open doorway of his truck. “What?”

“I just canceled my ride to the hospital,” She says holding up her phone. “So, if you give me a ride, I’ll buy you breakfast and we can talk more.”

Theo doesn’t want to talk more, he doesn’t want to sit in a brightly lit hospital cafeteria and let people see him cry like some idiot. “I’ll give you a ride—”

“And stay for breakfast,” She says cutting him off, her tone brooking no arguments. He’s reminded of her chiding him, Scott, and Stiles about eating vegetables when they were younger, and it almost makes him smile.

“We’ll discuss happier things,” She tells him, a wavering smile on her lips. “Promise.”

He stares at her for a long time as she wipes at the lingering tears on her cheeks and gathers up her bag from the ground. He nods at her when she looks back at him.

“Yeah,” He says, it’s been a while since he’s had food that hasn’t come from a small convenience store. “Okay.”

“Great,” She says and rounds the truck to climb in.

The scent of lavender drives away the sharp smell of blood and regret.

\---

The cafeteria is bright, the lights make his eyes ache, but the aroma of food has his mouth salivating and his stomach growling. Melissa grabs a cup of coffee and a banana nut muffin to eat but directs Theo to grab whatever he wants so he gets a large stack of pancakes and turkey bacon and they sit in a little booth by the large windows to watch as the sunrise breaks across the parking lot. The atmosphere is surprisingly light beside them having to steer themselves around certain topics. She asks him about school and future plans.

“I don’t know,” He says honestly. “I missed a lot when I was…” He trails off shifting uncomfortably in his seat at the memory of hell.

“I’m sure you could take a few online classes while going to school,” Melissa says thoughtfully. “You were always a bright child. You would catch up to Liam and the others in no time.”

That’s another reason Theo hadn’t entertained the idea of going back to school. He hadn’t wanted to see Liam or the rest of the puppy pack. He hadn’t wanted to face any of them yet or own up to what he had put the three of them through.

“You wanted to be a doctor when you were little,” Melissa says, and Theo drops his eyes to the crumb-covered table, his fingers tearing into his bacon, ripping it to small shreds.

“I think I’ve had enough of doctors to last me a lifetime,” He says and almost laughs because a lifetime won’t be very long for him. There's no point in him going back to school or planning out a future, he won't be around in nine months time. 

Melissa frowns, her hand reaching out to touch his. Theo flinches back at the contact, dropping his palms onto his thighs, his eyes moving back up to meet hers.

“You don’t have to be like them,” She says softly, eyes full of pain. “You can be better, _do_ better, Theo.”

“I—”

“Theo?”

His entire body stiffens at the sound of his own name coming from behind him. The voice is familiar. Theo turns around slowly and faces Liam. The little werewolf looks shocked at seeing him, his blue eyes wide, lips parted as he stands in the middle of the cafeteria, a tall doctor standing next to him and looking seconds away from hitting him in the back of the head.

“Liam,” The doctor says sounding exasperated. “Please don’t yell in a hospital.”

Liam ducks his head in embarrassment and peeks up at the doctor. “Sorry, dad, I was just… surprised…”

“Yes well, be surprised closer to the person you’re talking to,” The doctor says with a sigh before pulling Liam into a hug. “I’ll see you at home later, hurry up and get to school.”

“I will dad, I just need to talk to Theo, for a second,” Theo hears Liam say.

Theo turns back around to face Melissa, he wants to ask her to stay but she’s looking down at her watch and frowning. “I should probably go clock in now,” She says and looks up. A soft smile tugs at her lips. “It was good to see _you_ again, Theo.”

She stands to go but pauses beside him and looks down. Her eyes are so dark and deep, there’s a firmness in them, but also a kindness, one he doesn’t deserve.

“I won’t ever forget what you did to Scott and the others,” She says and Theo nods, his heart plummeting even though he knew that that would always be her response. “But, I won’t hold it over you, Theo.”

She pats his shoulder tenderly and then she’s gone before Theo can even think up a response or tell her that forgetting his actions was a foolish move. He’s left staring at the space where she had been standing, heart, thudding wildly in his chest, hands clenching and unclenching against his thighs.

Liam drops down in her seat, a single brow raised in inquiry. Theo can see his expression from the corner of his eye and it’s full of questions he doesn’t want to answer. Theo knows that any second now Liam will begin to get impatient of waiting for Theo’s acknowledgment. Theo closes his eyes for the briefest of seconds and steels himself for the onslaught he knows is coming.

“Dude,” Liam drawls out the word. “What are you doing here?”

Theo opens his eyes and resignedly turns to face Liam, he leans back in his chair nonchalantly and quirks his lips. The effect is instant, Liam’s eyes narrowing as Theo speaks. “That’s none of _your_ business.”

“You’re my business,” Liam argues, and Theo snorts out a disdainful laugh. “I’m the one that brought you back from hell, Scott said you were my responsibility.”

“That’s funny,” Theo murmurs as he thinks back to the three months of radio silence from the pack, of him living in his truck and getting attacked by a spider made from smoke and gunned down by inexperienced hunters.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Liam growls.

Theo shakes his head. “Nothing.” He reaches out, plucks a piece of bacon from his plate and bites into it even though he doesn’t feel hungry anymore. The bacon doesn’t taste the same with Liam sitting across from him, it tastes like cardboard on his tongue. He forces himself to chew it, swallow and take another bite.

He wonders if he should apologize to Liam right now as well, mark another name off his endless list, but when he opens his mouth to speak nothing comes out. He’s exhausted, feels raw and open after his talk with Melissa and he doesn’t think he can handle another one so soon.

 _It all has to be soon_ , he reminds himself. _You don’t have the luxury of dragging your feet._

“Where did you go?” Liam asks and Theo blinks at him in confusion.

“What?”

Liam waves a hand vaguely through the air. “After the fight, I mean. When we won back Beacon Hills. You just disappeared. So, where did you go?”

“I went to sleep,” Theo says slowly, brows furrowing.

“No, I mean, where did you _go_ ,” Liam says again like Theo will understand him better if he keeps repeating himself and emphasizing the words. “You’ve been missing for nearly two months now and suddenly you’re just here at the hospital.”

He pauses to look down at Theo’s plate, he looks a little incredulous. “And you were having breakfast with Ms. McCall.”

“And,” Liam continues louder than necessary, his hands flailing a little bit before dropping to the table with a loud thump. “She didn’t look like she wanted to taser you _at all.”_

 “I never left beacon hills,” Theo tells him because he thinks that’s what Liam might be getting at. “I’ve been around.”

“Where though,” Liam asks his head tilting to the side. “I haven’t seen you at all.”

“That was the point,” Theo says voice a little more snappish than he had wanted it to be. He’s tired of all the questions though.

Liam leans back in his seat his eyes narrowing. “What, we aren’t good enough for you anymore now that the threat is gone and you’re safe.”

He’s too tired to deal with this. All he wants to do is climb back into his truck and pass out but the suns up now, the light breaking in through the large window and spilling onto the table. He won’t be able to find a place to park his truck with everyone bustling about.

He holds back a sigh and resigns himself to a long day.

“Yes,” Theo says because it’ll hopefully save him an argument and Liam will feel offended enough to leave him alone.

Liam doesn’t growl or snarl, though. He doesn’t push himself out of the booth or hit Theo in the face. Instead, his eyes drop from Theo’s face to rest on his chest, narrowing slightly before widening.

“ _That_ was a lie,” Liam murmurs and his eyes meet Theo’s once more. “Why are you lying?”

“I always lie,” Theo says and the irony of it being true isn’t lost on him.

“You don’t have any reason to lie about avoiding us unless you're plotting something,” Liam says accusingly, arms folding across his chest.

“Yes,” Theo nods his head slowly, rolling his eyes. “I’m plotting to kill you all _again_ in the hopes of being _sent back to hell_. I really enjoyed my time down there.”

A passing nurse shoots him a wary look on her way to the coffee station. Theo grins at her as charmingly as he can and watches as her face flushes. He drops his eyes back to Liam and frowns. “I’m not doing anything, Liam. There are no nefarious plans in the works, I don’t want power or a pack, I just want to live.”

He’s surprised by his own honesty.

Liam bites down on his bottom lip and nods. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I believe you,” Liam tells him, he tugs his phone from his jeans and sighs. “I have to go, or I’ll miss my bus.”

“Do you want a ride to school,” Theo asks before he thinks through the question. 

Liam looks both surprised and suspicious, Theo doesn't blame him. He's not sure why he even offered in the first place.

“What?”

Theo pushes himself out of the booth and waves his hand. “I offered you a ride to school, but if you would rather wait for a bus…” He trails off and shrugs down at the little werewolf.

“Whatever.” He adds and turns on his heel to leave. Maybe, he’ll try out the rest stop on the edge of town. He hates going there, but it’s better than being awake all day and doing nothing. Maybe he should think about going back to school. He knows there's no future for him, but it would break up the monotony of just existing alone until he dies. 

“Wait,” Liam calls after him.

He pauses, turning his head to look over his shoulder. He raises his brows mockingly. “Yes?”

“I, I’ll take the ride,” Liam grumbles.

Theo smirks. “Say please,” He says because he’s never been able to pass up an opportunity to rile the other boy, besides, he’ll apologize for it all later, when it’s Liam’s turn on the list.

Liam’s eyes narrow into slits. “No.”

“Then, I don’t think I can help you,” Theo sighs and starts to walk again. He knows Liam is going to break, no one wants to ride on the Beacon Hill’s city buses. They smell like sweat and various other bodily fluids, and to someone with a super sense of smell, it's just a hundred times worse. 

Theo can hear the sound of feet scurrying after him.

“Wait,” Liam says again, voice sounding agitated. 

Theo stops again and turns around fully to face him, he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket and rocks back onto his heels. “Yes?”

“Can I have a ride to school…” Liam grumbles pausing just a few feet away and staring down at his beaten-up sneakers. “Please?”

Theo hums lightly like he’s considering it, Liam looks up at him, his sharp blue eyes meeting Theo’s. He looks like a petulant child begging for another cookie. 

“Yeah,” Theo snorts out an involuntary laugh and nods to the exit. “Come on, Little alpha.”

“You’re such an asshole, Raeken,” He hears Liam mutter beneath his breath and Theo silently agrees. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm starting yet another chapter fic.... Why? I have no idea.
> 
> No Major character death tag as of yet, because I haven't decided whether or not Theo will die or if I'll have two alternate endings. I will tag as necessary and each chapter will have specific warnings for that chapter in the start notes.


End file.
